Channing Tatum’s Giant Head Will Be the New Splash Mermaid, This Changes Everything

When Hollywood ran out of ideas and decided to start remaking films from the 80’s, everybody complained for a bit about lack of novelty and creativity but eventually shut up and paid for tickets. Now they’re remaking the same classic films but with a twist. A male mermaid in the remake of Splash. This has never been heard of before. Or Ghostbusters currently middling at the box office. 

Channing Tatum will take money for anything. And why the fuck not? Who doesn’t take an eight figure paycheck for twelve weeks of work? Ron Howard is remaking the film which originally featured Darryl Hannah before she started shitting apricot pits and living in a tree. Tatum will play the mermaid because women love his body. Also, he’s coincidentally been conducting interviews with Cosmo about the heinous male rape culture. A female actress will fulfill the role originally played by Tom Hanks. The role of the bad guy originally portrayed by Eugene Levy will be played by a Native American deaf mute with palsy. Also gay, if you know sign language.

As hard as creative types push for universal immutable and mutable quality equality, they’re just not very good at it. Putting Magic Mike in a merman tale showing off his abs will only serve to get Hello Giggles to ignite itself in highly censored and carefully chosen SEO title orgasm. But what’s really been accomplished by ruining a perfectly good movie of yesteryear? How does Jennifer Lawrence get her gender pay gap covered if Channing Tatum just took her gig? Crass commercialism is fine. This isn’t that. This is female empowerment by way of a dude with eyes so narrow set that woodland animals instinctively attack him.

You didn’t used to get real points for symbolic gestures. Book some time in 2017. Team Nut Sack is losing really badly.

_{Photo credit: Splash News}