People Don’t Like Shia LaBeouf So Much

If you’re a chick who resembles Ted Cruz, you get ten grand to fuck your unemployed boyfriend on camera. If you’re a dude who resembles Shia LaBeouf, you get a fist to the face in a subway station. Mario Licato was on his way to a fine arts show as people do in New York when a random punch came flying into his left eye socket.

I was so confused. I was even more confused because I got up and was like, am I crazy, or did I hear him say, ‘This is because you look like Shia LaBeouf?’

Passersby who helped Licato confirmed the assailants comment. The attacker didn’t commit to the fact that you were Shia LaBeouf, simply that you looked like an asshole. That has to hurt. Licato took the assault as a compliment, noting that Shia LaBeouf is super hot. These are the New York values female Ted Cruz will be lambasting while her semi-erect boyfriend slaps her fat ass. It’s impossible to calculate how badly the real Shia LaBeouf wished this had happened to him.

_{Photo credit: Mario Licato/Instagram}