Amber Heard Blackmails Johnny Depp

According to comedian Doug Stanhope who was hanging out at Johnny Depp’s house the night of the alleged abuse, the entire facial bruising is a domestic abuse ploy by Amber Heard to dig into Depp’s deep pockets. Stanhope notes that Depp’s friends knew that Heard was a horrible cunt who manipulated the shit out of their lovelorn drama buddy. But nobody said anything because that’s what you do when your friend is dating somebody shitty but keeps claiming he’s madly in love. Some lessons need to be learned the hard way.

Because I felt like in defending him I would just come across as a sycophant trying to attach myself to a sensationalized story in order to further my career. A latterday Kato Kaelin. And now as the sun is coming up, I realized not saying shit to defend him is a far worse crime of ego; to leave a friend hanging so you don’t look like a suck-up.

Stanhope claims that Depp hadn’t slept in days over concerns that Heard was leaving him and was plotting some shit before she left. It’s bold hearsay given how Hillary Clinton says we must believe the woman before any evidence is presented. The judge obviously believed Heard when he granted her a restraining order. She must’ve done more than cry and share her hot lesbian sexual experiences. Though that would be enough for me. She’s pretty fucking hot.

Clooney and DiCaprio are cut out for this younger model boinking and departing shit. Depp clearly not. Never fall in love with a scheming lesbian. Words to live by if you don’t dig extortion.

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