Amy Schumer Had a Bad First Go

In preparing for her memoirs as most thirty-four year olds with guaranteed dollar book deals do, Amy Schumer realized that her first sexual experience was non-consensual. Schumer had to consult her diary from her teen years before she understood her first time wasn’t two kids fumbling around in the back seat in high school, it was a hate crime against the 51-percent female minority. 

I didn’t think about it until I started reading my journal again. When it happened, I wrote about it almost like a throwaway. It was like, ‘And then I looked down and realized he was inside me.’ He was saying, ‘I’m so sorry’ and ‘I can’t believe I did this.’ 

Women must read this with horror. While men read this and remember that a good apology is never out of place when first having sex. Was he sorry he was violating your being or in disbelief he was having sex with the chunky chick from Spanish? That’s a cruel question, but one you’ll need to expect from Geragos when the lynch mob goes after Tommy from Chess Club for ten to twenty. I’d like to see that diary of yours and get me an ink dating expert on the phone. Rape bona fides mission accomplished. How soon can we pre-order on Amazon?

_{Photo credit: FameFlynet}