Selena Gomez’ Mom Hospitalized After Learning Her Daughter and Justin Bieber Are Back On

The whole notion of psychological “triggers” has been overplayed and diminished by college coeds who uncontrollably sob when Republicans come to speak at their schools. That and vegans who shout that Big Macs are gang rape. But until you become a parent and you find out your daughter is fucking Justin Bieber, for a second time, you really shouldn’t poo-poo the entire trigger effect

Apparently, Selena Gomez’ entire family begin to shudder and shake with the mere mention of junior Napoleon who took Selena’s virginity and bragged about it to his rented black rapper posse. Selena’s mom, Mandy Teefey, barely survived the first go-round with her daughter and her lesbian midget boyfriend. They paddled her back to consciousness with the breakup of the two. Now that the two singers have reunited in love and church and rehab and gentle little person pegging, both ways, Teefey’s blood pressure is approaching one-and-done college baller SAT score levels. 

TMZ reports that Teefey spoke to her daughter who informed her that she and Bieber were attending couples therapy together to try and make their relationship work long term. There are numerous red flags in that statement. Teefey apparently made it through but a couple before she went full mental breakdown. Another relative called the cops to check on her, where they found a woman spinning slowly on the floor muttering the words, “Fuck you, Canada”. Or enough to have her taken to the hospital to see if they could put her pieces back together.

The family was quick to note this was not a 5150 involuntary psych hold, merely a police assisted crazy catatonic lady brought in for medical review thing. A distinction without a difference when you’re eating your own poop and inventing a time machine in your mind to go back and get un-pregnant with your daughter.

It’s easy to feel bad for the driven-to-insanity mom in these especially trying circumstance. She had her daughter at sixteen and essentially fucked up her life until she could whore her little girl out to Barney and Friends at age ten. There’s something to be said for the deal with the devil coming due on this one. Though you never expected the devil to be 5’5″ punk with hair gel and a shit-eating grin.

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