Blac Chyna’s Mom Offers to Help O.J. Unleash His Beast

If you didn’t know that Blac Chyna had a Dominican mom some teen years older than herself who walks around in revealing catsuits and Tweets crazy street lingo slurs, congratulations. You’ve contained the useless shit you know.

Chyna’s hustling mom goes by Tokyo Toni. Why does she have a nickname that sounds like a WWII solider layover comfort girl? That was rhetorical. In an Instagram post since deleted, Toni offered to help relieve O.J. of his nine year prison nut, which is more jargon than reality as O.J. was supposedly reprimanded for his self-pleasuring in the pen. Still, no real sex for nine years sounds like the hardest part of prison. Or marriage. 

“O.J., Juice … Come visit me. I’m single. Those hands turn me up and on! The way they fit in that glove nice and tight ….”

That’s disturbing. And not even because those are the gloves he wore to behead his battered ex-wife. O.J.’s the father of her daughter’s soon to be ex-sister in law. Keep the clap to yourself, lady.

According to Bunny Ranch owner Dennis Hof, a man not known for accuracy in his statements, O.J. Simpson’s been dying to come out to his whorehouse to get his septuagenarian rocks off, but his attorneys are waiting to see if such a visit would violate terms of his parole. Hof also claims a surrogate of Simpson’s called to try and arrange a “Nicole Brown look-a-like” for O.J.’s initial visit. Hof did host Lamar Odom on his herbal viagra, crack, and hookers run to death’s doorstep. The man gets you what you want, no questions asked.

Simpson is currently hanging at a buddies estate outside Vegas. Sports and drugs and women will earn you friends that stick with you beyond your felony convictions and incarcerations. Whether he takes Tokyo Toni up on her office likely depends on the price and a review of how various STDs interact when introduced to one another in the back of an RV.

How can Tom Petty be dead and these two alive and kicking? Musing to myself about a horrible god.