O.J. Simpson Not Written Up for Tugging Old Orenthal

Today’s the day we find out if O.J. Simpson will be free to be glib and repetitive in second tier TV interviews for the next five years. O.J. hype is in full swing. It’s like the circus came to town, and the sad elephants are back.

The Daily Mail reported with the accuracy of the The Daily Mail that Simpson’s parole was in jeopardy due to being busted for tugging his juice maker while in prison. According to the Daily Mail, Lovelock Prison does not tolerate masturbation. 

That cock in hand story flew around the Internet seventeen times over before anybody bothered to consider the logic of a cock stroking ban in men’s prison. Maybe in those evil warden movies with forcible sodomy and kickboxing fights in the showers. Even Jared Fogle is allowed access to Highlights magazine. Nobody wins with pent up prisoners. 

TMZ reached out to prison officials in Nevada, meaning, GameStop gift cards, and learned that there’s no such self-loving ban at Lovelock. O.J. is free to squeeze. That rumor about him receiving negative marks for stealing kitchen cookies is also false. It’s almost as if people are working behind the scenes to keep a coked up maniac who beheaded his ex-wife behind bars for good.

As a practical matter, you have to be rooting for O.J. Simpson parole. The dude’s too feeble to murder any more and you know he’s going to do an endless amount of stupid shit in his remaining time. The entertainment value must be paramount in this decision. Today’s celebrity fuckups pale in comparison to those of yesteryear. O.J. never would’ve thought about a Twitter war. 

_{Photo credit: Getty Images}