Michael Phelps Still a Hero

It’s hard to know if all the Michael Phelps embarrassing sex stories are true, partially true, or there’s a vast conspiracy of fetish hookers and tranny girls who picked his name out of a hat and decided to make his life miserable. Last November a newly fashioned woman claimed she had an intense love affair with Michael Phelps prior to his DUI rehab. She said he made her feel like a woman for the first time in her life. You’re going to want to hang that accomplishment on the resume right next to the eighteen gold medals. Now an obese dominatrix with a Brooklyn accent says Phelps paid her $900 to take a leak on him while he tugged one out in his girl panties. I don’t even care if this is true. I don’t want it to be true. Phelps is a real American hero. We don’t have many left. If he had eighteen gold medals in the Soviet Union, this circus beast would already be silenced under fifty feet of Ural mountain rock. This nation doesn’t need another Foxcatcher. Let Michael Phelps be Michael Phelps. This is between him and the Miss California chick who has agreed to be his wife.  Probably wouldn’t hurt to add a few new stipulations to the pre-nup. You’re going to want watersports and fat whores in the index.

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