Money Doesn’t Buy Happiness, But It Can Buy Protection From Natural Disaster

After watching American Horror Story Apocalypse it really set in just how fucked I am should a devastating catastrophe strike. I doubt Geico home insurance includes a full coverage stay at an underground outpost bunker if a nuclear missile levels your kitchen and the rest of the neighborhood. It only pays to be wealthy when shit hits the fan. Then, and only then, do the trials and tribulation prophecies in the book of Revelation stop applying to you. I.E. Kim and Kanye. The couple hired private firefighters to fight the wildfires and save their home. I bet if God wanted to do a 40 day and 40 night rain sequel, the Wests would just build a yacht.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s $60 million mansion was unscathed in the devastating California wildfires – thanks to a private team of firefighters they hired to battle the blazes.

The power couple is being praised by neighbors in their Hidden Hills neighborhood for shelling out for a squad of smoke-eaters who dug trenches in order to keep the inferno at bay. Neighbors told TMZ that Kardashian and West saved their homes.

I had no idea that private firefighters were even a thing. I always see the regular firefighters asking for money at stoplights like the homeless, because let’s be honest, arson is a dying art. You still have the occasional idiot leaving the aluminum foil on while reheating leftover Thanksgiving dinner but firehouses would have gone out of business if they were paid on a per fire basis. I’m glad those brave men saved all of the items in Kim’s mansion without casualties. Because I can just imagine how embarrassing the epitaph would be on the gravestone on any one of those men had they lost their life attempting to save Kim’s shit. “Died doing what he loved, with million dollar diamond encrusted dildo in hand.” Honestly, I do feel privileged to belong to a country where you can put a price protecting private mementos like a framed Trojan full of Ray J’s unborn children. Some things like that are irreplaceable, and a constant reminder for Kim of humble beginnings. Wouldn’t want to lose it in a wildfire.