Jennifer Garner Gives Ben Affleck Another Reason To Drink

I’m not sure if it’s legally allowed to list another person as the cause of death on a death certificate, but Jennifer Garner is about to be the reason Ben Affleck gets his death diploma early and graduates to the afterlife. Or wherever people go when they drink themselves out of existence. Garner was helping Affleck get his life together because the alcoholism was out of control but she must have forgot that most people over-drink to forget bad news. And the news of your ex-wife attempting to hurry along the divorce and diving face first into the lap of a tech CEO calls for a minimum of several shots before noon.

Jennifer Garner is dating CaliGroup CEO John Miller, a source tells PEOPLE. “They are casually dating but it’s not serious. He hasn’t met her kids,” the source adds. Miller, 40, was also previously married before filing for divorce from celebrity violinist Caroline Campbell in 2011. The businessman is CEO and chairman of holding company CaliGroup. The company owns the CaliBurger chain, which boasts a special robotics technique that flips burger patties.

It looks like those church trips to take Ben’s mind off of drinking will come to an abrupt stop. You don’t need to be Miss Cleo to figure out that relapse and overdoing it is in Affleck’s future. But on the bright side, Affleck will be able to frolic through fields of clouds in eternal bliss with Verne Troyer on his shoulders in heaven. That’s if Verne made it there since the stairway to heaven from purgatory may not be well suited to accommodate little persons and those in wheelchairs.