Justin Bieber Makes Hailey Baldwin Engagement Official With Spastic Colon Of An Instagram Post

Was gonna wait a while to say anything but word travels fast, listen plain and simple Hailey I am soooo in love with everything about you! So committed to spending my life getting to know every single part of you loving you patiently and kindLY. I promise to lead our family with honor and integrity letting Jesus through his Holy Spirit guide us in everything we do and every decision we make. My heart is COMPLETELY and FULLY YOURS and I will ALWAYS put you first! You are the love of my life Hailey Baldwin and I wouldn’t want to spend it with anybody else. You make me so much better and we compliment eachother so well!! Can’t wait for the best season of life yet!. It’s funny because now with you everything seems to make sense! The thing I am most excited for is that my little brother and sister get to see another healthy stable marriage and look for the same!!! Gods timing really is literally perfect, we got engaged on the seventh day of the seventh month, the number seven is the number of spiritual perfection, it’s true GOOGLE IT! Isn’t that nuts? By the way I didn’t plan that, anyways My goodness does feel good to have our future secured! WERE GONNA BE BETTER AT 70 BABY HERE WE GO! “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains FAVOR from the Lord!” This is the year of favor!!!!

A post shared by Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) on Jul 9, 2018 at 3:14pm PDT

When marrying a religious zealot alleged cult member, you really have to take the good with the bad. In the case of model Hailey Baldwin tying the knot with singer Justin Bieber, the good is that alleged Hillsong Church cult leader Carl Lentz has taught his twink sex slave some fun kinky moves between the sheets. Praise be. The bad is that, at least judging by Bieber’s increasingly spastic social media posts, a murder-suicide could be right around the corner. And even this, while bad for Baldwin, is a win for the modeling industry. Basically, we should all be supporting this union.

The upcoming nuptials were all but confirmed as of yesterday, but now we have resounding, manic, God-fearing proof that Justin Bieber is bipolar. I mean that he’s marrying Hailey:

Was gonna wait a while to say anything but word travels fast, listen plain and simple Hailey I am soooo in love with everything about you! So committed to spending my life getting to know every single part of you loving you patiently and kindLY. I promise to lead our family with honor and integrity letting Jesus through his Holy Spirit guide us in everything we do and every decision we make. My heart is COMPLETELY and FULLY YOURS and I will ALWAYS put you first! You are the love of my life Hailey Baldwin and I wouldn’t want to spend it with anybody else. You make me so much better and we compliment eachother so well!! Can’t wait for the best season of life yet!. It’s funny because now with you everything seems to make sense! The thing I am most excited for is that my little brother and sister get to see another healthy stable marriage and look for the same!!! Gods timing really is literally perfect, we got engaged on the seventh day of the seventh month, the number seven is the number of spiritual perfection, it’s true GOOGLE IT! Isn’t that nuts? By the way I didn’t plan that, anyways My goodness does feel good to have our future secured! WERE GONNA BE BETTER AT 70 BABY HERE WE GO! “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains FAVOR from the Lord!” This is the year of favor!!!!

AHHH I’M GOING TO MURDER HER SO HARD!!!!! No but seriously, I mean it, have fun murdering your wife. The Instagram post has already become the 9th most double-tapped one in history at the writing of this post. Baldwin did her part in proving that God is always part of the equation with the tweet:

Not sure what I did in life to deserve such happiness but I am so utterly grateful to God for giving me such an incredible person to share my life with! No words could ever express my gratitude.

Not sure what I did in life to deserve such happiness but I am so utterly grateful to God for giving me such an incredible person to share my life with! No words could ever express my gratitude.

— Hailey Baldwin (@haileybaldwin) July 9, 2018

God certainly knows how to prioritize. Let’s all raise a glass of rat poison Kool-Aid to the happy couple.

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