Amy Schumer Talked About Sucking D During Her Vows

In addition to simply looking like her hot size six self, Amy Schumer really dazzled and delighted the guests at her recent wedding by reciting vows about giving her husband head. When I was in college people always joked that fat girls give the best blowjobs because it’s the only way they can meaningfully contribute, and well, I guess my white trash public school education wasn’t as bad as I thought. Because here we are.

Our trim little wet vac was talking with Nikki Glaser on SiriusXM when she claimed to have cried while writing touching words about gargling with her hubby’s baby batter:

Mine sucked! I thought mine were good, I wrote mine in like, 20 minutes. I was crying when I wrote them, but his blew me out of the water so hard.

“Sucked,” “blew,” and “hard” were just foreshadowing for the next part of her interview:

In my vows I go, ‘But I promise I’ll keep going down on you, even though everyone tells me I won’t.’ And his were like, heckling me too. He was like, ‘The other day I lost a tennis match and you called me a f–king loser.’ It was all like, awful sh-t.

Oh wow that’s so unique and creative. Weddings are always best when the people getting married think they’re funny. Schumer goes on further about how even though in Hollywood she’s breaking boundaries and questioning stereotypes about women, in real life she’s a sitcom nagging bitch wife. She’s Debra Barone. And odds are Schumer’s husband treats her as shittily as Raymond treated Debra:

I just annoy him all day. I’ll be like, ‘Do you want to play a game?’ and he’s like, ‘What?’ And I’m like, ‘Guess how many times I sneezed today?’ And like, that’ll be the game. And he’ll be like, ‘Three.’ And I’ll be like, ‘Don’t remember!’ And he’s like, ‘I’m spending my life with this worthless monster?’

So freaking adorable. And when exactly did the Cathy comic come to life and become the most insufferable woman in the world? Here ‘s another pic of Schumer at the wedding.

Photo Credit: Instagram, Cathy Guisewite / Pacific Coast News / Splash News