Jared Leto Lands Lead Role In Hugh Hefner Biopic

Contrary to popular assumptions, I hope this movie isn’t targeted to cater to men who receive thoughtless Father’s Day gift sets exclusively from Target every year. I understand that at one point in time your girlfriend was attractive but she eventually evolved into her final form of being your obese life partner. And every year she celebrates your existence with gift sets that include cartoon all-over moose print bowties even though you work in a manual labor related field and will never wear it. Why? Because modern marketing towards masculinity shouldn’t take too much effort. No one really cares what men want. Now you’re a former shell of yourself who looks forward to gift posters of those one liner cartoon drawings from the 50s era when women stayed in the kitchen. You can hang them up in your half finished man den that also doubles as a storage space for the blankets your once human sized wife calls clothing. At least looking at those posters will remind you of a heritage that once was and may never be again. We have annual slutwalks now thanks to equality. From suffrage to slutwalks, women are making real progress. 

Jared Leto is putting on Hugh Hefner’s red bathrobe. The “Blade Runner 2049” actor will star as the Playboy founder in a new biopic from director Brett Ratner, according to the Hollywood Reporter. “Jared is an old friend,” Ratner, told the website. “When he heard I got the rights to Hef’s story, he told me, ‘I want to play him. I want to understand him.’ And I really believe Jared can do it. He’s one of the great actors of today.”

Maybe a biopic about a man that had enough masculinity to serve to the many women he made love to will snap those men trapped in the “sunken place” out of their zombie like state. That or the world will have to endure watching Jared Leto being filmed wearing a smoking jacket for an approximate two hour runtime. A true coin toss on the direction and reception of this film. But most likely it will follow the same formula as every other biopic. Cram as much shit in as you can of a 91-year lifespan before movie goers start checking their watches to guess how much longer before it ends. 

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