Ed Sheeran Quits Twitter

Ed Sheeran quit Twitter after secretly uncovering that the app is a cesspool of mental spastics and a pointless time sink. Unless you’re plotting a homegrown terror attack in at a European soccer match, in which case, it’s your essential day planner. The British falsetto’s revelation comes after only 32,000 Tweets. And after his sponsors stopped paying him to Tweet anymore. 

“I’ve actually come off Twitter completely. I can’t read it. I go on it and there’s nothing but people saying mean things. Twitter’s a platform for that.”

In particular, Sheeran blames Lady Gaga’s zombie army of self-injuring malcontents for trolling him endless on Twitter.

“Lady Gaga’s fanbase read an interview in which they assumed I was talking about her and they all fucking hate. So I think Twitter gets on a massive steam roll of assuming things and then you get in the shit.”

Thanks for the 2011 era knowledge. You’ve blown this social media ruse wide open.

Think of Twitter as a strip club. It laughs haughtily when you announce you’re never coming back and waits for the next time you wake up hungover to learn you paid $350 for that pair of crusty panties in your pocket. Also, a chick named Misty is now texting you asking if you’re really a doctor. She’s disgusting, but you’ll say yes. She definitely wants to see you again next time you’re in Laughlin. 

Guys who look like the lumberjack raped in the woods by bears don’t get strip club analogies. That’s why they’re in this naive position. Everybody else knows to lie.

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