Johnny Depp Stone Cold Assassin

In his current physical state, Johnny Depp couldn’t assassinate a wingless bee. In his previous physical state, it would’ve been a fair fight. The bracelet jiggling wino and self-deluded hippy cowboy made an appearance at the Glastonbury arts festival in England where he promptly slurred out a joke about assassinating Donald Trump. Or so people think. Based upon his low energy mumbles, it’s possible he was asking directions to the shitter in a Jack Sparrow accent.

“When was the last time an actor assassinated a president?”

Hah. British people love Lincoln jokes about as much as Americans guffaw over Queen Victoria jokes. Though millennials at summer festivals around the world are willing to throw in cheers for a kill Trump quip of any kind.

It’s unclear if the Secret Service will pay a visit to one or all of Depp’s seventeen homes facing foreclosure. Or perhaps merely send in Amber Heard to beat him up and remind him of his place. There are real people who are real bad guys who want to kill Trump and other political leaders all the time. You need to learn to ignore the skinny actors in Native American jade jewelry looking to feel loved again.

The day after somebody got to a more sober Johnny Depp to remind him of his cash flow issues and Depp issued an apology for his crass murder Trump murmur. He issued the statement through People. That’s the definition of heartfelt:

“I apologize for the bad joke I attempted last night in poor taste about President Trump. It did not come out as intended, and I intended no malice. I was only trying to amuse, not to harm anyone.”

It’s a say day when an emo actor on a bender can’t even be first in his shocking comments about the President. Assassination was taking off the originality table months ago. Up your game. Buy some weapons, leave behind some detailed instructions of your plan, and go missing for a month. You’ve done it before. Only it was missing for a year. No weapons. And they found you strung out at the Chateau Marmont. You’re in an enviable position when you’re a parent who isn’t counted on for anything.