Violinist and Porn Star Finally Settle Urine Drinking Lawsuit

In a game of deciding who the world needs more, a crossover German violinist known for his brash playing style, or a second tier porn star who hooks on the side, you have to go porn star hooker. Low rent sex is our birthright. Also, there’s no such thing as a crossover violinist. Not since Dexys Midnight Runners.

David Garrett is the toast of the violin world. Considered a music rebel, which means he grew a pony tail, is under sixty, and will play Aerosmith songs on his violin to the elation of his well-dressed audience. Lest you think he’s a stodgy nerd like every other person ever to play the violin, Garrett hired porn actress Ashley Youdan, professionally known as Kendall Karson, to accompany him on his worldwide engagements. Youdan claims she was one such lucky lady. Their relationship was quite beautiful in the beginning, if you discount the BofA auto-pays clicked off with every rim job. Trips to Europe, top flight hotels, neat tricks with a violin bow you’d swear aren’t anatomically possible. 

It all went south when the rebel violinist started pushing into BDSM territory, asking Youdan to help him hire sex slaves off of Craigslist, then allegedly forcing Youdan to drink his urine and fucking her so hard he cracked her rib. She posted photos of bruises on her body to let you know how bad it got. Also on the off chance she was going to sue him for $12 million, which she promptly did.

At the time Garrett’s attorneys called the charges “outrageous and baseless”, meaning, almost certainly true. You know your client’s screamed at you to drink his urine before. Stop fronting. This past week the two parties reached a financial settlement. So, Denny Hastert kind of outrageous and baseless charges.

There’s a lesson to be learned here on both sides. First, hookers are like old Blockbuster rentals, only the late return fees are immeasurable. Shove them back in the dropbox ASAP. For you working ladies, consider the fact that an asshole violinist is merely an asshole musician who plays a stupid instrument. All the downside of dating a coked out violent narcissist without the coolness of telling everybody you’re banging the lead singer of a rock band they love. Hiring sex slaves with Axl Rose in ’91 was cool. Not so much with the longhaired crossover violinist in ’17. 

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