Channing Tatum Vodka Might Be For You

Channing Tatum is launching a vodka brand called Born and Bred. He invented an entire backstory as to why this merely wasn’t Grand Teton Distillery paying him to front a vodka that will be remarkably exactly like all their other vodkas but with a crafted Channing Tatum origin story.

A lot of vodka brands had this vibe of backroom boys wearing tuxedos, playing poker. I probably wear a tuxedo more than most 36-year-olds, but that’s not my life. I can do that, but I wanted something that could live in both worlds.

So the tuxedo and the non-tuxedo world. Bold. Like Scotty mixing matter and anti-matter. As if the smooth cool flavor of this American made vodka wasn’t reason enough to pay an extra five bucks a pop to associate yourself with Channing Tatum cool, the former male stripper notes the best feature of all:

On the inside label, once you drink it down, or if you get your eye really close to the bottle, it says, ‘Cross my heart and hope for mischief’. That’s just what I want when I pour myself a drink. I want to just cause a little havoc, get into some trouble, get into some safe, manageable mischief.

Who doesn’t crave a little safe, manageable mischief? Oxymorons were meant to be consumed on ice. Though I’m having a hard time picturing Channing Tatum narrowing his eyes. 

In Tatum’s defense, there’s zero reason for yet another signature vodka on the market. Watching hipsters order vodka at bars these days is akin to watching middle school boys who can’t play sports discuss Pokemon. You’re momentarily caught up in the manufactured complexities before a wave of sadness overtakes you and you have to punch something. This is a celebrity licensed product Tatum must now back into pretending was a spirited idea to merit his eighteen percent of wholesale gross. Watch any female celebrity discuss her bangles at Target. Nobody’s ever produced a plastic circle quite like that before. Also, they’re bracelets. It’s okay to like money because it’s money.