Jessica Alba in A Bikini

Jessica Alba’s new guise as concerned mom pushing chemical free household products that may or may not make your baby’s genitals look like Aleppo is keeping her from showing off her tits as through most of her 20’s.

Alba seems self-aware, to a fault. When she needed that body to be considered for movie parts, those tits were omnipresent. Ask her for her resume or reel or acting credentials and out came those tits. Like Hulk Hogan flexing his pythons. You’re hired. You’re playing a topless oiled wrestler. Stretch. With fair trade wipes lining her pocketbook, Alba’s moved to scarves and sweaters.

The phenomenon of cheesecake models and strippers becoming mom brands is concerning. We’re all fucked if good looking women start tripling their revenue by going American burqa. If you associate cataclysm with the loss of cheap masturbation fodder, as you should, this is an alarming trend.

_{Photo Credit: AKM-GSI}