Amber Heard and Johnny Depp Still Battling

When a lesbian you married on a pinot noir bender demands seven million to leave quietly, you have two choices. Only one is legal. Johnny Depp went for complete divorce settlement capitulation when it became clear that his wife had him beat in every personality trait related to either strategy or masculinity. In the aftermath of his massive concession to Amber Heard, Depp’s acting like a petulant child who can’t believe he lost, even though he was the sole reason.

As with elections so go divorce settlements. Half the people are going to feel robbed. You have to move on. Depp’s been using his banked legal retainer dollars to keep Heard waiting on her checks. That seven million she’s given herself up to two years to hand over to cancer kids and battered women because what could possibly happen to those people if they have to wait a couple years.

Heard’s attorneys filed a motion with the court to get a move on with the backing up of the Brinks truck and Depp’s attorneys made public statements about Heard being desperate for attention:

The impact of her relentless pursuit on Johnny — the damage her false allegations have caused his personal and professional reputation, his and his family’s emotional well-being, and his finances appears to be of no interest to Amber.

No shit. Now where’s the money. That’s what attorneys would say if they weren’t such elegant assholes.

It’s hard to find sympathy for Heard. She clearly played Depp. She also won. Give her the fucking Lombardi trophy already. The offseason is for figuring out how the Patriots cheated.