Amber Heard Lies Her Way To Seven Million Bucks

Amber Heard’s master plan worked and she bilked Jonny Depp for $7 million, or $7 million per marital blow job. That’s certainly not going to break his bank yet the ordeal has solidified her reputation as a manipulative gold digger which could either ruin her career or make her ultimately desirable depending on factors nobody but Rupert Murdoch can pinpoint. It should be noted Johnny Depp is arguably the most beloved dude in Hollywood except for some twelve year old who hasn’t quite broke yet but will be in seven movies next fall and doesn’t squeal. The settlement number reportedly dropped significantly after Heard was deposed and it was discovered her vagina is a Venus flytrap. She and Depp released a joint statement: 

“Our relationship was intensely passionate and at times volatile, but always bound by love… Neither party has made false accusations for financial gains.”

If you’re reading between the lines that’s an admission of guilt. Perhaps she was just lying for the sport of it or as part of a shitty art project with gay James Franco? 

“There was never an intent of physical or emotional harm… Amber wishes the best for Johnny in the future. Amber will be donating financial proceeds from the divorce to a charity.”

Make sure and follow up on that charitable donation four days from now after Amber has forgotten about it. If there was never any intent of harm then what’s the issue? That’s what domestic violence is. What’s the $7 million for then, the emotional trauma of cooking up an extortion scheme? Women make a shitload more money than men, not per hour, just in lump sums. 

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