That Time Heidi Klum’s Former Fuck Toy Saved Chris Cornell’s Life

Chris Cornell has a crazy chick fan who thinks she’s supposed to bear his sacred babies and likes to send threatening letters to his wife and show up to his events. Jessica Robbins had a court ordered ankle bracelet to make sure she never got close to Cornell, but she chewed through that back in May. The FBI put everybody in Cornell’s tour security and local cops at his concert stops on high alert that his stalker was on the loose.

Using the unassailable disguise of a big sunglasses and a scarf over her head, Robbins managed to purchase an in-person ticket to Cornell’s Louisville concert and eluded numerous layers of security on the lookout for her crazy mug. She convinced a guy in charge at the venue that it would be wild if she could maybe run up on stage and propose to Cornell during the show. You know, as a hoot. Or a bloody dildo tapered into a shank multiple stabbing. That’s when Martin Kirsten, the dude who used to run security for Seal and Heidi Klum’s kids before Klum started mounting him on the cheating side of town, spotted Robbins. He secured her and she was taken into custody screaming crazy shit. Thorazine ought to help that itch. 

Kirsten had taken some time off from bodyguard work after Klum broke it off with him and paid him a house and a sack of gold to sign an NDA about all their fuck sessions. Great gig if you can get it. Being the only guy not high at a rock concert imbues you with certain super powers. Like spotting the whack job chick from the photo everybody is supposed to be on the lookout for. And I will always love you, my bodyguard. Cornell’s probably fucking him now too.

The price of fame remains high, though still far less than the revenue from fame. Everybody should have a man like Martin Kirsten in their lives. Klum’s had about ten since she left Seal. The female version of DiCaprio was just sitting there for the taking.

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