Charlize Theron Ends Engagement to Sean Penn

A month ago they were making out on a balcony and Sean Penn was planning on adopting Charlize Theron’s Hollywood black baby. He even voluntarily handed over his arsenal of personal firearms when Charlize explained to him she’s not been comfortable with them in the house since mom blew drunk dad’s head off. Now, it’s over. It’s always sad when injectable anti-aging hormones and blind rage come between an otherwise happy couple. Ray Rice’s wife told the world that her elevator beat down made her and her husband more committed to their marriage. Though Janay Rice isn’t pulling down ten mill a picture twice a year to her individual bank account. The thing about dating a dude with alcoholism and domestic violence in his past, it’s a real roulette wheel of anticipation. Like trying to get all those puzzle pieces placed back into the game of Perfection before the timer runs out and Sean Penn kicks you in the uterus. I want my salad bowl back. Not because I need the money, I just fucking love salads.

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