Fat Shaming Has a Process

Step one. Get fat. Nobody’s fat shaming Giuliana Rancic (see: anorexia shaming). You’re going to need at least a working muffin top. Step two. Get out in public and on social media and let everybody see those truck drive arms. Now,  sit back and await the body shaming from dudes in their drawers stroking one out to their zings. This won’t take long if you’ve got some decent up-jowl shots. Give the sad emoji cycle about twenty-four hours before your comeback about not caring what the haters think. The increasingly hefty Pink chose this:

Willow said to me the other day whilst grabbing my belly-‘mama-why r u so squishy?’ And I said..’b/cuz I’m happy baby,'” And my hubby says ‘it’s just more to love baby’ (and then I smack his hand off my booty cause we’re in a supermarket).”

Nailed it. Kids love fat moms. And if you’re husband is a chubby chaser, down those Hydrox like they’re only $2.99 a pound, because they are. The dudes who have to hoist your stage harness may differ, but fuck them if they don’t like your squishy. Pink followed with a brief lecture about her support for cancer charities and how sad it is that people had to focus on how fat she looked in her dress. Now who feels shamed? You didn’t see that coming.

The final step involves hyperbolized kudos from commenters and mommy bloggers and overweight people everywhere who pen endless notes about how brave and bold and smart you are for sticking it to the shamers. The process is complete. You could lay off the stress eating and eliminate the need for this vapid assembly line of emote and counter-emote on social media. But these inane opinion cycles are the After School Specials of 2015. The kids need to learn how important it is to feel good about yourself even for the simple accomplishment of getting fat.

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