Chester Hanks Threatens to Assault Howard Stern

Imagine being Tom Hanks kid. Everybody loves your dad. You hear it every fucking day. Either dad is an asshole at home and nobody gets it. Or he’s just as fucking endearing as everybody thinks and that’s even worse. I’d probably ignite shit on fire as soon as I could work matches. Hanks’ youngest son Chester acted out by labeling himself a rapper by the name of Chet Haze. Howard Stern rips on him from time to time for just the obvious reasons. Chet decided to physically threaten Howard Stern slash beg to to be on his show, because he’s both original gangster but also has fifteen years of private school under his belt and knows how the entrainment industry works.

Do you have any idea how badly I am going to assault you when I see you… You can’t run from me forever knock knees… Listen. One day, maybe tomorrow, maybe 10 years from now, I am going to see you in person, and I am going to hurt you. I hope you travel with security!!! PLEASE have me on the show… it’s a shame you don’t hang in the same circles as my family (not enough bread for that) cuz if you did I woulda already seen u.”

This is one of those weird situations where you want to annoy the angry shit trying to get attention, at the same time he just might be desperately crazy enough to do something actually idiotic. You see it with the soft-born rappers all the time, living in their imaginary street cred world. I wouldn’t take any chances if I were Stern. I’d just have this kid put down in his sleep. It’d have to be discreet, but dad would probably cover half the cost. He’s just that nice.

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