Shia LaBeouf Raped in a Forest, Nobody Heard

Shia LaBeouf version 2014 was particularly douchey. You may recall a performance art piece where he sat alone in a room in studio in Los Angeles wearing a paper bag over his head with the slogan ‘I’m not famous anymore’ while individuals berated him with various random objects on a table between them. This contrived performance reeked so heavily of morose Scandinavian foreplay, that one woman decided to just go for it, strip off his pants and start banging him while he sat there motionless. Shia nonchalantly revealed his shame to Dazed magazine:

One woman who came with her boyfriend, who was outside the door when this happened, whipped my legs for 10 minutes and then stripped my clothing and proceeded to rape me.

When you put a bag over your face, tell people to do whatever they want with you, then not say anything when a whack chick peels off your pants and mounts you on a chair, that’s not actually rape. That’s just lucky, minus the street STDs. Eventually, the show organizers came in and shooed the girl off Shia’s dick because she threatened the integrity of their message, which was ‘Where lies a public figure’s true self in the post-Internet age?’. I don’t know, raping Shia LaBeouf sounds more interesting than that art school nonsense.

Shia seemed particularly nonplussed by the incident, even when his girlfriend got wind of the sexual non-assault and came running into the room:

When she came in she asked for an explanation, and I couldn’t speak, so we both sat with this unexplained trauma silently. It was painful.

Unexplained silent trauma. How delicious. I’m guessing most people’s girlfriends would be less silent if they found their boyfriend with a bag over his head and some skank riding his dick at an art exhibit. Being the girlfriend of a serious artist requires some level of disconnect from normal relationship expectations. Still, I hope she shoved the various implements up his ass, and not in the pre-lubricated manner to which he’s typically accustomed.

Photo credit: Splash News