Adrian Peterson Indicted, Arrest Warrant Out

An indictment came down today for Adrian Peterson for punishing his four year old kid with a switch last May. That’s a thin tree branch for you people who live in big cities and didn’t get whooped proper as a child. It’s a long standing parenting tradition for especially blacks in the South to make their kids grab the instrument of their own punishment off of a tree for a few painful lashes. You can go anywhere from mild stings to a full Roman lashing on somebody with a switch. When the kid is four and his skin is lacerated around his Underoos and you send him back to his mama she might just take him to see a doctor who might just report you to the police. What flies in Texas doesn’t always fly in Minnesota.

Adrian Peterson has between five and seven kids by between three and seventeen women. I’ve done the math too, I think it works out. He had a child he didn’t even know was his until abused to death by the boyfriend of one of his baby mamas. Maybe when one of your multitude of hapless innocent bastards visits you for a get to learn daddy’s name trip you don’t give him the full Kunta Kinte for knocking another one of your brood off the video game console. Even if you agree with corporal punishment, which I kind of do, you can’t do this kind of blood letting in 2014 any more than you can punch your wife in an elevator for sassing you.

Before sending the kid back home with his fresh daddy bruises, Peterson texted his baby mama:

“You will be mad at me about his leg. He got about five more pops than normal. He didn’t drop one tear! … He’s tough as nails.”

Fucking wonderful. What happened to the good old days when NFL players just assaulted and murdered other grown men. Goodell, get on this shit.