Shia LaBeouf Arrested! Exclamation Point!

It’s hard to imagine Shia LaBeouf in tears without a woman or prepubescent boy child striking him first. But it’s true. On the night that he had to witness the acting mannequin Mark Wahlberg replace him in the latest Transformers installment, LaBeouf visited a legit performance of Cabaret at Studio 54 where he smoked, made disruptive comments, and refused to leave when asked. When the N.Y.P.D.  arrived on scene dangling handcuffs, Shia summoned the rage of his ancestors and his martial arts training and began to cry.

You know how sympathetic the New York police can be. They allowed Shia five minutes before they beat him with rubber truncheons wrapped in sanitary pads so as to leave no marks. Shia was taken to the 18th precinct for booking on charges of criminal trespass, disorderly conduct, and crying like a fucking pussy. Remember when we decided that it wasn’t worth discussing whether Shia was running some obnoxious performance art shtick or he really was a total feckless moron? Maybe you missed that meeting, but it was fucking lively.