Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum Might’ve Made a Really Crappy Space Opera

Warner Bros. has decided to delay the release of Jupiter Ascending from tomorrow until the time we land a man on the real Jupiter. In the $150 million “space opera”, Mila Kunis plays a house cleaner named Jupiter Jones who meets a bad ass interplanetary secret service agent played by Channing Tatum and his close-set beady eyes. Channing’s sent across the galaxy to protect the Mila from the Queen of the Universe because Mila is destined to be the real Queen. So, it’s basically every fairy tale ever written run through a scientology cleansing. The film was directed by the Wachowskis, the siblings who directed The Matrix and then three crappy films just like the Matrix. The Wachowskis used to be the Wachowski Brothers until Larry realized he couldn’t be self-actualized until he was Lana and looked like the German chick in Run Lola Run. The studio is holding off on announcing an official reason for the release date delay until their publicity department can figure out a more polite way of saying we just bought ourselves the world’s most expensive sack of shit.

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