Justin Bieber Fake Apologizes for Being Fifteen and Short and Racist

Here’s a fact. Every white kid knows at least one racist joke. Black kids know at least two. The Spanish kids probably know tons more but I could never figure out what they were saying when they pointing at me in high school and laughing. TMZ has been sitting for four years on a video of Justin Bieber telling an obviously offensive joke about black people made when he was fifteen and before the entire world wanted to punch him in the bangs.

(From the video) Justin Bieber: Why are black people afraid of chain saws?” (imitating sound of chain saw) Run nigger nigger nigger nigger.

Which goes to show two things. First, I’ll get in more trouble for printing the words Justin said than Justin did for saying them. I really need to find a way to be worth more money to more people. Two, racist jokes are never really funny. Not inherently because they’re racist, but because the great minds in comedy aren’t desperately trying to come up with the next great joke involving the word jigaboo.

According to TMZ, they sat on the video until now because of Justin’s age of innocence at the time. That almost makes sense if we knew nothing about TMZ, celebrity media, or reality. Still, Justin was forced hire a guy only slightly more eloquent than Rob Ford’s oft-used apologist to pen a hollow I’m so terribly sorry statement:

As a young man, I didn’t understand the power of certain words and how they can hurt. I thought it was OK to repeat hurtful words and jokes, but didn’t realize at the time that it wasn’t funny and that in fact my actions were continuing the ignorance. I take my friendships with people of all cultures very seriously and I apologize for offending or hurting anyone with my childish and inexcusable mistake. I was a kid then and I am a man now who knows my responsibility to the world and to not make that mistake again.

That’s Justin saying sorry for acting like an asshole at the last age he was before he actually became an asshole. It only makes sense if indeed time is not linear, but actually a circle. It’s unlikely Justin will suffer any repercussion among his fellow even blacker hip hop stars. It’s universally recognized the racism doesn’t even make the top ten list of reasons people want to see Justin Bieber drown slowly in quicksand, while crying, and you throwing a rope at him repeatedly, but just short of where his uniquely short arms can reach, while making chainsaw sounds.

Photo Credit: Justin Bieber/Instagram