Justin Bieber Rats Out His Mom, Released from Fake Jail

Justin Bieber left the Miami Courthouse one repentant androgynous boy. Don’t let the leather pants and the climbing on top of his SUV and the waving to the public fool you, Justin is quite contrite. In fact, before he left the long arm of the law, he narced on his mom for being the provider of the prescription meds he takes along with his drink and his weed to make himself a better driver. He folded like a little lesbian accordion as he fingered his mom for feeding him Xanax. Like most animals on the small side of their breed, he suffers from an immense amount of generalized anxiety. You would too if a bird of prey could dive from the sky and pluck you from terra firma without warning. I’m not sure the doctor recommends taking the Xanax with Sizzurp and weed,  but he’s not getting it from his doctor, he’s getting it from his mom. Like most former pregnant teen runaways, she has a degree in street medicine. I think she can legally perform surgeries in El Salvador.