Justin Bieber Mutombo’d at the Box Office

I’m not sure where you go from this. With his second self-satisifed concert documentary Believe earning less than ten percent of his last toilet-smear concert doc, Never Say Never, Justin Bieber huddled with his core team of phonies, hipsters, and clowning assholes to regroup. The day before the film’s release, Justin tried to get attention by announcing his ‘retirement’ on Twitter. Though we’re told by one of his paid spokespersons (there’s a job to to be proud of) that his retirement announcement was just a meta illusion of a young Andy Kaufman like social prankster:

Justin felt that this was the best way to respond to the latest in a long line of inaccurate or wildly exaggerated media reports about him. He chose to channel his frustration into playing along with this baseless rumor and even used “beloved” to tip off his core fans that it wasn’t real.

See, I didn’t realize that ‘beloved’ was his safety word with his fans. So if he says, go steal your parents credit card and download my latest album. He means it. But if he says, I paid twenty Brazilian dollars to let a hooker ram her fingers to the third knuckle up my pucker hole, beloved, then it’s just an inside joke? But that really happened. It’s confusing to be a Justin Bieber fan. I guess so many fans got confused they forgot to go see his movie. Middle school girls and their pederastic moms can be a fickle bunch. I hope Justin has kept something in savings. This world can be cruel to a formerly famous lesbian midget in lifts.