the top 100 stories of 2010 (70-79)

79. KE$HA – wore a bikini, despite looking like this in a bikini. Serious question: if you were forced to choose one, would you have sex with Ke$ha, or Megan Fox 1 hour after she died. Be honest. You’re fucking a dead girl in your imagination right now, aren’t you? Yeah me too. (November 11th)

78. MARIAH CAREY – got pregnant. Although I don’t know how. Seeing her naked would be so gross, if my dick wasn’t shaped like an arrow, I probably wouldn’t even remember what to do. (June 2nd)

77. HENNIFAA YOPEZ – got fired by Sony – dropped from their record label – because she’s a demanding pain in the ass that wasn’t worth dealing with because no one buys her records. In other words, no one likes her. This will be relevant in the very next sentence. (February 24th)

76. HENNIFAA YOPEZ – got hired by American Idol, despite being unpopular, unqualified, and a demanding bitch. I dare you to try this shit in the real world. (July 30th)

75. ZACH GALAFANAKIS – got Mel Gibson fired from the Hangover 2. Not that it maters because the first one was over rated and boring anyway. Half the time it was like the movie had challenged me to a staring contest. (October 10th)

74. SHIA LABEOUF – had a little hissyfit, threw a cup of coffee on the paparazzi and then took off running. I bet he runs like this when a bee chases him too. I’d like to point out that he’s been the star of several action movies. (October 15th)

73. MEGAN FOX – was either fired from Transformers 3 or quit, but she was definitely replaced by Rosie Huntington-Whitely, who is inferior in every way. Except when it comes to blowing directors apparently. (July 19th, July 20th, July 25th)

72. JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE – cheated on Jessica Biel with Olivia Munn. Nobody likes a tattle tale Olivia. (October 27th)

71. LIL WAYNE – went to jail for being in the same room as a legally registered handgun, even though he has no record of violence in any way. Well thought out laws like this is why New York is such a utopia. (March 3rd)

70. KATIE HOLMES – is the kind of girl who doesn’t need a lot of makeup. Unless she wants to look attractive, in which case she needs to be fussed over by experts like they’re restoring the Last Supper. (April 7th)