afternoon headlines

JESSE JAMES – is a jackass who has no one to blame for his problems but himself. Unfortunately he admits that. Which makes it hard to attack him. After the divorce news broke, he said, “Sandy is the love of my life, but considering the pain and devastation I have caused her, it would be selfish to not let her go.” Ah, yes, but … what about … aw fuck you dude. Seriously, what the hell am I supposed to say after that. (people)

HEIDI MONTAG – may be hooked on painkillers as a result of all her plastic surgery. Her friends say, “she’s a shell of her former self”. Meaning what? She’s even more boring and vapid than she used to be? That seems hard to believe. (us.com)

JOY RIDDLE – reads Tyler. And she’s a model in this maxim hometown hottie contest. Tyler has more individual readers a month than maxim magazine and twice as many page views as maxim.com, so I resent that people would use me to get to them. But then Joy did this, and my erection rocketed through my shorts and punched the bottom of my desk. After rolling around on the ground for a few minutes while grabbing my crotch and howling in pain, I forgot what I had been upset about earlier, and devoted all my efforts to seeing underneath her stupid fun-ruining left hand. (facebook)