the top 100 stories of 2009 (11-50)

50. MADONNAS ARMS – As she approaches the end of her life, it’s good to know she’ll die as she lived; by creeping me the fuck out. (July 27th)

49. CALL OF DUTY 2 – made 310 million dollars in it’s first 24 hours. “The Dark Knight holds every Hollywood speed record, and it took them 10 days to reach 300. So I guess in hindsight that movie was a real piece of shit.” (November 12)

48. MEGAN FOX IS BISEXUAL – If Megan Fox is getting more/better pussy than me I’m gonna kill myself. (May 13th)

47 and 46. CINDY CRAWFORD AND NICOLETTE SHERIDAN – Although a combined 99 years old, these two took some of the hottest bikini pictures all year.  But just so you know, the topless Crawford pictures here are from 2008, because I can’t find the ones from 2009, and I don’t have time to download new copies.  This god damn list is taking forever.  What a terrible idea this was.  (August 6th and August 3rd)

45. MORGAN FREEMAN IS A PERVERT – The 72-year-old Freeman reportedly began a now 10-year-affair with his step-daughter when she was 17. I’m either disgusted or wildly impressed.  It sort of goes back and forth. (July 9th)

44. SIZE 2 WENT TO HAWAII – I don’t like thick girls like this because I feel like my penis would look small between the 3 feet of undigested Milk Duds she calls an ass. (August 3rd and August 4th)

43. ROSE BOY – This fat little bastard has another thing comin’ if he thinks he’s makin’ a move on my woman. If you were lookin’ for trouble, you just found it buddy. (June 17th)

42. JOAQUIN PHOENIX GREW A BEARD, WENT NUTS – This is here because I messed up the count and needed filler. (January 19th)

41. JENNIFER CONNELLY WORE A BIKINI – The media says she’s too thin, especially considering how big her tits are, but keep in mind that most people in the media are queers. (July 24th)

40. RIHANNA WAS NAKED – Girls built like this (big ass and no tits) gross me out, so, um … moving right along. (may 28th)

39. RED HAIR – What a utopia this world would be if more hot girls like Jessica Alba and Ali Larter would dye their hair red. (October 1st and October 2nd)

38. ROMAN POLANSKI WAS ARRESTED – by Swiss police for drugging and having sex with a 13-year-old girl in California in 1977. He’s been free all this time, living a fantastic life in France because they don’t think it was a big deal and refused to extradite him. That’s why I’m writing this from a high school parking lot in France right now, shoving roofies into Jell-O shaped like a turtle. (September 28th)

37. LEIGHTON MEESTERS SEX TAPE – would have been more impressive if it had ever been released. I’ve never wanted to see a penis so bad in my life. (June 19th)

36. ‘JENNIFER’S BODY’ FAILS – This was an oddly big story, and if you need any more proof that Hollywood is run by retards, they cut out Megan Fox’s nude scene (pictures here), and a movie where she kisses another girl made no money. (September 23rd)

35. PATRICK SWAYZE DIED – This one should be higher but I put it between a bunch of hot naked girls so as not to bum everyone out. I think it’s how he would have wanted it. (September 14th)

34. JESSICA ALBA GOT BACK IN SHAPE – She could literally be on fire and I’d still have sex with her. And I mean oral and everything. (August 3rd)

33. TAYLOR SWIFT AND THE SWASTIKA GUY – It actually would have been better for Taylor if a chandelier had fallen on her head before this picture was taken. (October 29th)

32. MACKENZIE PHILLIPS HAD SEX WITH HER DAD – Wow and he was a big star too. She must have been really pretty. What a compliment, so flattering! (September 23rd)

31. DEMI MOORE – If you ask me, there’s nothing sexier than a beautiful mature woman. Except for a maybe a hot 18-year-old with long hair and big tits. (July 9th)

30. JOE FRANCIS BEAT UP JAYDE NICOLE – Luckily for him he did it in LA, which has no competent law enforcement. If it were up to me he’d be sent to live on Monster Island. (August 28th)

29. DJ AM DIED – Wait, this dork is 6 spots higher than the star of ‘Red Dawn’ and ‘Roadhouse’? WTF? I’m pretty sure I was high on percocet when I made this list. (September 28)

28. KIM KARDASHIAN WON HALLOWEEN – This picture is so wonderful, it’s not even like looking at a picture. The rush of euphoria you get is more like someone injected you with opium then gave you a blowjob. (October 31st)

27. BRUNO AND EMINEM AT MTV – I’d rather have my face this close to a big mean bear that I just punched in the balls. (June 1)

26. BRITNEY WENT ON TOUR – Hollywood has lowered my expectations to the point where seeing someone simply go to work ranks as an amazing achievement. (March 4)

25. BRITNEY GOT A NEW BOYFRIEND – I’m impressed that this guy was able to help straighten Britney out, although not enough to prevent me from cropping him out of this picture. He was sort of ruining it. ( June 10)

24. MADONNA ADOPTED A LITTLE GIRL – Living with Madonna is better than living in Africa, but she’s gonna have a heart attack the first time someone uses a can opener, so it’s a mixed blessing. (June 9)

23. DAVID CARRADINE DIED – He’s so high on the list because he died jacking off with a chord tied to a door then wrapped around his balls. His penis was like Indiana Jones. (June 4th)

22. MEGAN FOXES TONGUE – Her sexuality is so aggressive, it’s practically calling me a fag. (June 26, May 13, May 27, January 27)

21. ASHLEY GREENE WAS TOPLESS – Ashley Greene was virtually unknown, then topless pictures leaked out, and now she’s a big star. So if any of you other hot girls wanted to send me naked pictures to post and make you famous, by all means go for it. (August 10)

20. KANYE WEST INTERRUPTED TAYLOR SWIFT – You sly boots, you. (September 14th)

19. BRITTANY MURPHY DIED – Who knew that a mountain of powerful prescription stimulants and pain killers could form a lethal cocktail? Everyone on earth except Brittany Murphy and Heath Ledger, that’s who. (December 20th)

18 VICTORIA SILVSTEDT IS A PROSTITUTE – Pictures like this now make a lot more sense. (May 2nd)

17. FARAH FAWCETT DIED – At least I hope she did. Because they buried her. (June 25th)

16. JESSICA BIEL WAS TOPLESS – Jessica looks fantastic here, but this clip of her as a stripper in the movie ‘Powder Blue’ loses points due to the fact that it makes me want to kill myself. (April 20th)

15. VANESSA HUDGENS WAS NAKED. AGAIN. – I think I’ll tease Vanessa and get her all hot and bothered by leaking some naked pictures of me. Two can play this little game. (August 25th)

14. KATY PERRYS TITS – She’s annoying, and her music sucks, but a hot girl with DD’s could put her cigarettes out on me for all I care. (pretty much all year long)

13. MEL GIBSON DUMPED HIS WIFE – for some exotic, younger, hotter girl. He’s the first of his kind in Hollywood. (April 13th)

12. TIGER WOODS REALLY LOVES CHEATING – His penis is like a serial killer. (November 30th)

11. DAVID LETTERMAN WAS BLACKMAILED – Statistically, if you’re a girl, there’s a 43 percent chance you’ve had sex with one of the last 3 people. (November 2nd)

– GO TO THE TOP TEN –