the top 100 stories of 2009 (51-100)

All the dumb websites and magazines and TV shows do lists at the end of the year, counting down and ranking everything you can imagine, and they’re all subjective and poorly thought out and painful to read. But nothing else is going on this time of year, and so here we go.

100. JASMINE FIORE WAS MURDERED – by her husband, who was a contestant on the VH1 show ‘Megan Wants a Millionaire’. He pulled out her teeth, cut off her fingers and threw her body in a dumpster. So at least he wasn’t a litterbug. (August 15th)

99. MICHAEL JACKSON DIED – This one should probably be higher on the list but fuck that dude. He was a pedophile and his music sucked. Good riddance weirdo. (June 25th)

98. SUSAN BOYLE IS AN OVERNIGHT STAR – Does it bother anyone that she can’t really sing? After the first 5 lines on her famous ‘Britain’s Got Talent’ appearance her voice completely went to hell. What do you, got asthma or somethin? (April 11th)

97. LINDSAY LOHAN SUCKS – The reviews for the debut of her fashion line could have been worse, but only if they included a bunch of racist name calling for some reason. (October 4th)

96. BRITNEY SPEARS IS STACKED – Britney wore a see-thru t-shirt while in Australia for her ‘Circus’ tour. It maybe wasn’t as newsworthy as Michael Jackson dying, but what can I say, I just really love looking at girls’ tits. (November 5th)

95. RYAN SEACREST – tries to give this guy a high five on ‘American Idol’, but the dude acts like he doesn’t even see him. That guy is a real jerk! (January 14th)

94. PETE WENTZ – got drunk with some strippers in Vegas while his wife Ashlee Simpson was home alone, posting pictures of their baby on Twitter. Advantage: Pete Wentz. (April 8th)

93. DAKOTA FANNING – is a cheerleader at Campbell Hall Episcopal High School in North Hollywood, and this year she was named Homecoming Queen. If this story was any more wholesome it would be filled with vitamins. (November 2nd)

92. JESSICA SIMPSON – had her little Maltese dog snatched away by coyotes, and she put up “missing” and “reward” signs but to no avail. Probably because coyotes can’t read signs. (September 15th)

91. TARA REID – finally posed topless for Playboy, in the most eagerly anticipated pictorial of 2002. (December 12)

90. OLIVIA MUNN POSED FOR PLAYBOY – more or less. Mostly more, unfortunately. (June 19th)

89. RANDY QUAID WAS ARRESTED – because he ran up a $10,000 tab at a hotel and then just left. In his defense, he’s a fucking lunatic. He probably tried to pay by handing the clerk a duck. “Here you go my good man.” (September 24th)

88. OPIE AND ANTHONY – The only thing better than Perez Hilton getting punched in the face was listening to them and the great Patrice O’Neal make fun of him for it, mostly to the soundtrack of Pulp Fiction. (June 28th)

87. LINDSAY LOHAN DID COKE – in a bathroom at some party. And here it sort of is on video. Or she was bending over to blow some guy. It’s 50/50 really. (November 16th)

86. KANYES WOMAN – strutted around Miami beach topless. Girls with too much and too little self esteem are both equally fucking awesome. (August 19th)

85. LADY GAGA WORE A BUNCH OF DUMB OUTFITS – but the Kermit the Frog coat and the strap-on over her face were probably the dumbest. Really this entire list could have been her ugly ass and dumb outfits, but then it would have been called, the Top 100 Ways To Make My Penis Cry. (July 8th and July 21st)

84. MEGAN FOX – If there was a state that would let me marry pictures I would move there and marry this one. (February 26th)

83. LINDSAY LOHAN GOT ANOTHER YEAR OF PROBATION – despite that if you looked at her list of felonies it would hit the ground and roll across the floor like the list of names Santa checks on Christmas Eve. (October 16th)

82. JENNIFER LOVE BACON WAS ON THE COVER OF SHAPE – They must be including “round” as a shape. (September 17th)

81. MARISA MILLER – slipped out of her top a little while in St. Barts. Looking back it still ranks as one of the best days of my life. (January 20th)

80. REBECCA GAYHEART SEX TAPE – I’ve made better sex tapes when not even trying to make a sex tape. In fact one was about how to build a birdhouse. (August 8th)

79. WHITNEY HOUSTON SUCKS – Her big comeback performance on Good Morning America was cut short because she sucks now, as previously implied by the headline. (September 1st)

78 – KANYE INTERRUPTS PATRICK SWAYZE – This guy never learns! (September 15th)

77. CHARLIE SHEEN ON 9/11 – Today he announced that 911 is bullshit too, and all the calls made to them are government propaganda. (September 9th)

76. LINDSAY IS A BIG STAR – The special effects are about equal to a local weather report from 1982.  (March 20th)

75. ASHLEY HARTMAN – I heard that every guy who has ever seen her in a bikini has tried to rape her. (August 7th)

74. MISHCA BARTON GOT 5150’d – but Mischa tricked them by touching her hand to her forehead, closing her eyes and transporting to another dimension. (July 16th)

73. KRISTEN BELL – It was spaz heaven when nerd-favorite Bell wore a bikini and dorky glasses in Hawaii. Although she spent most of the time clinging to Dax Shepard, so mostly it was Dax Shepard-heaven.  (June 19th)

72. BRITNEY WENT TOPLESS – “These pictures are so awful and unsexy you’re gonna feel like Cameron Diaz was in them, but she’s not. I looked several times. It just gives you that kind of feeling.” (June 7th)

71. ANNA PAQUIN WENT TOPLESS – She has a surprisingly nice rack. Mostly because I thought she was a boy this whole time. (June 15th)

70. KELLY BROOK WON THE BIKINI CONTEST – These pictures are pretty big, but not big enough that you could hump them, in case you were wondering. (March 30th)

69. CANDI SPELLING IS A MEAN OLD BITCH – She told a radio show Tori killed her dad by not speaking to him. What a dynamite lady. As if Tori hasn’t suffered enough. (May 29th)

68. CHASTITY BONO BECAME A MAN – What a transformation! She used to look like a fat man. Now she looks like a fat man in the men’s room. (June 11th)

67. LADY GAGA HAS A PENIS – Yeeaaah, we’re heating things up now, baby! (August 7th)

66. MADONNA IS OLD – “It’s an old lady mostly naked except for a bunch of random shit, like a boxing glove and a mink wrap. It’s the kind of thing you’d expect to see at a crooked nursing home.” (January 19th)

65. FERGIE HAS A PENIS – Thing’s really went to hell after that Kelly Brook post, didn’t they? (July 21st)

64. NO MORE HEIDI AND SPENCER – In June I began the “no heidi and spencer” policy, removed every story about them from the archives and banned them forever. Three weeks later E! did the same, and a bunch of other sites have followed. If I were any cooler, people would think I was secretly Batman. (June 8th)

63. MILEY IS ALL GROWN UP – these bikini pics prove Miley isn’t the same girl we fell in love with on the Disney Channel. That was Selena Gomez. (May 18th)

62. KEVIN FEDERLINE GOT REAL FAT – It’s too bad he has no sense of humor because it would be funny if he wore a cowbell. (September 1st)

61. OLGA KURYLENKO WAS NAKED – For reasons presumably explained in Russian, supermodel and actress Olga Kurylenko was naked as hell in the Russian Maxim. (January 22nd)

60. MILEY CYRUS – hates Selena Gomez and when her and Nick were together Miley sent him pictures of her cunt. (February 16th)

59. BRITNEY SPEARS – gives herself to Lucifer every day for the New World Order to arrive as quickly as possible. (November 12th)

58. CASSIE – is so hot it’s insane. Me and Diddy should duel for her love. I’d kill that fucking sissy. (May 7th)

57. SIMON COWELL – will make 144 million dollars this year from American Idol. It will all be worth it to get another singer like one of the last 5 winners who I can’t name. (June 30th)

56. THE PRESIDENT CALLED KANYE A JACKASS – The Nobel Peace Prize people must not have seen this. (September 15th)

55. ZHANG ZIYI – Why won’t the media just leave us alone? (January 5th)

54. PAULA ABDUL – stumbled through her big musical number on American Idol like she was slowly dying, like someone shot her in the stomach or she was choking on something. (May 7th)

53. MEGAN FOX AT THE TRANSFORMERS 2 PREMIERE – It’s like she was built by some angry God just to make all the girls who weren’t Megan Fox feel bad. (June 15th)

52. BRUCE WILLIS – married Victorias Secret model Emma Heming. So now the only way my penis is ever gonna get near her is if I pull it off and throw it on her. (March 25th)

51. MEL B – began her run on a Vegas topless show. With her huge boobs and insane ab’s, she’s like a woman you would see airbrushed on the side of a van, holding a panther on a chain and a huge sword above her head. (April 4th)

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