NICK LACHEY HAS NO PENIS

Jessica Simpson is quoted in the Times magazine (whatever the hell that is) saying that her ex husband Nick Lachey … ummm … lets see … how to sugarcoat this … has virtually no penis.  Yeah, turns out there’s no way to sugarcoat that..  Jessica says:

"Nick didn't pack too well if you know what I mean, but I got over it." 

And two days ago, she is quoted as saying:

 "Nick's small package was a problem sometimes, like the first time we had sex, to tell you the truth, I didn't really feel much, I faked the whole thing, I really felt sorry for him, I still loved him though."  

When asked about this, a top mental health doctor said, “Nick should probably kill himself.  We rarely recommend that, but, seriously, she said she couldn't feel anything."  This is also another reason I desperately want to sleep with Jessica Simpson.  I'd be following an infant.  She'll think I'm huge, almost no matter what.  Whereas if I was about to have sex with Paris Hilton, I would tie a rope around my waist .  Have someone on the other end, work out some kind of code.  Two pulls on the rope means I'm in danger, one means I need more air, that sort of thing.  And when I yell "on belay" he needs to tighten up.