CHRIS BROWN – took a naked picture of himself in a mirror, and it leaked over the weekend. I’m sure this video scan of the picture reaches the bottom of his penis at some point. Let me know how... READ MORE

LINDSAY LOHAN – had a friend distract the clerk at the jewelry store while she stole that necklace, according to the surveillance video. Maybe next time the distraction should be to disable the surveillance video. (radar) THE HANGOVER 2... READ MORE

EMINEM – has cast porn star Sasha Grey to star in his video for Space Bound. If there’s not a lyric about his semen being “face bound”, now would be the time to add it. (the sun) ALYSSA MILANO... READ MORE

KACEY JORDAN – is the porn star who won’t stop talking about her time with Charlie Sheen, and now she even says she had an abortion last Thursday that could have been his. Or it could have been from... READ MORE

UNKNOWN – won the weekend box office with $21.8 million, but the heavily hyped I Am Number Four only managed 3rd place with 19.2. So apparently you can be a brooding teenager with special powers and a forbidden love... READ MORE

STEVE JOBS – has fought a rare form of pancreatic cancer for 7 years, but now reportedly has just 6 weeks to live. It’s not that there isn’t a cure for pancreatic cancer, it’s just that it’s on youtube... READ MORE

AMANDA SEYFRIED – moved into a new house today, but without the help of her boyfriend Ryan Phillipe. Probably because he was busy hitting on Rihanna. But what do you expect, he’s not magic, he can’t be in two... READ MORE

SCARLETT JOHANSSON – is 26, and she’s “smitten” with Sean Penn, who is 50. Obviously Penn is a jackass but I hope I can still nail girls half my age when I’m 50. And that my wife won’t be... READ MORE

KIM KARDASHIAN – went on a few dates with Gabriel Aubry, and that apparently drove Halle Berry nuts. “She was upset at the idea of someone like that being in her daughter’s life. She did not want a reality... READ MORE

CHRIS EVANS – is on the cover of the new issue of Empire, and only a country as bad ass as America could have a superhero like this. What would the French one be, some pedophile in a smock... READ MORE