It’s not clear when Mariah Carey became the symbol of Christmas in America. Somebody got to inflating her up on Madison and 82nd in the staging area for the Macy’s Day Parade and there she came down the route... READ MORE

Athletes, entertainers, the long term incarcerated for crimes against children, all need to contemplate what comes after the prime of their career. So long as lonely war app game players admire Photoshopped tits, Mariah Carey will be heralding their... READ MORE

Mariah Carey laid down seductively along Hollywood Boulevard as seismologists at Cal Tech traced their pencils over the peak lines and declared a 4.3. Carey deserved her star. Even before they started passing them out to every chick who... READ MORE

The technology that went into Mariah Carey’s all-terrain fat containment suit wasn’t even available just five years ago. It’s how we’re going to keep diabetic soda kids from going comatose on future trips to Mars. Still  you direct too many psi... READ MORE

The Internet is all in a tizzy after Jennifer Lopez was caught texting during Mariah Carey’s performance at the Billboard Music Awards. The more appropriate celebrity response is to pretend you’re watching raptly while imaging Mariah dead and you singing... READ MORE

Ironic Jesus came to me in a dream and told me that if I watched enough music award shows, he’d make something heavy fall on Taylor Swift. A hanging speaker or roof panel or Adele. I relented and watched... READ MORE

The Mariah Carey combustion clock edged another minute closer to midnight. Carey has some fleeting amount of time left in between the loss of her once impressive pipes and the moment earnest college students pour buckets of sea water... READ MORE

Mariah Carey can’t seem to make good choices in men. I’d like to sit her down and give her some Come to Jesus advice. Right after I Come to Jesus on those impressive titties of hers. Nobody hands you... READ MORE

Mariah Carey announced she’s opening her Vegas residency with a show featuring her number one hits. The news was disappointing to that guy who bought a torn piece of her gown off eBay who loves her extended work. Carey’s... READ MORE

Mariah Carey is reportedly signing a long residency in Las Vegas. She’ll be entertaining people who bought her album for their kids who are now in grad programs at Vassar and wealthy Saudi dignitaries who used to stone people to her hits.... READ MORE