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Whenever I go to extended family or large social functions and people ask me what I do, I always say I’m a pornographer. It’s simply the best way to get people to leave you alone. Nobody ever asks you,... READ MORE

I’m not sure why Penelope Cruz wrote and directed a long form lingerie commercial for Agent Provocateur lingerie. Maybe she’s had a panties and garter story beating inside her chest for years that just had to come out. Or,... READ MORE

Strange that a woman who has fought to be super famous and who walks around in pants so tight you can see her vagina lips would hold up a grocery bag to her face demanding privacy. But women with... READ MORE

What is it about a sexy woman laying on a bunch of new tires that is so damn enticing? Maybe it speaks to all the road adventures to be had, or just the raw sexuality of vulcanized rubber. I... READ MORE

Irina Shayk and I have the same sunglasses. I wear mine because I got them for $10 from a shifty booth by the boardwalk and Irina wears hers because she’s just hot as fuck and does whatever the hell... READ MORE

I can’t remember which famous soccer player Irina Shayk is doinking. They all seem to have the same sounding names. Let’s just call him Shit Ass Lucky Bastard Who Gets to Bang Irina Shayk. Or Jaime for short. If... READ MORE

Sports Illustrated swimsuit model Irina Shayk won Cannes last night. It’s over, all of the other celebrities can get back on their expensive boats and jets and go back to their other meaningless parties, because Irina and her black... READ MORE

Beauty is a ladder. With Gywneth Paltrow at the top, and everybody else a few rungs beneath. Everybody looking up at the mysophobic expat with the compassionate social statements and wondering how they can be more like her. Irina... READ MORE

It’s hard to find a photo of Irina Shayk where she’s not wet. She’s always some degree of moistness in all her public appearances. I assume she has an assistant with an ionized spray bottle that keeps her personal... READ MORE