Don’t get arrested, don’t get fat, and tell everybody at parties that you’re going to be a model or start your own clothing line or something pro forma nobody ever asks a followup about. That’s really all you need... READ MORE

Usually when your dad takes up with a hot young replacement for your mom, you can act out and start smoking cloves and underaged drinking and having sex with dudes who ride rice burners and have face tattoos. But... READ MORE

I’m glad my dad wasn’t famous or wealthy or very accurate with his punches. It seems like a burden to be a celebrity kid. If you’re Eddie Murphy’s kid, everybody’s wondering aloud when you’re going to become super famous... READ MORE

Any man who has the privilege to make babies with models knows the obvious upside, outside of the procreative sex with an amazing looking woman who likely mumbles, is having a bunch of kids who are much better looking... READ MORE

You’re not my new mom! That’s right, Bria. I’m taller, skinnier, and hotter than your mom. I wear my bikini slung so low that your daddy can see my pelvic bones pointing right to the place where he’s going... READ MORE

I think the Chinese might have it right. Having daughters seems like an enormous pain in the ass. I suppose the tea parties are a blast, but when they grow up to be running around in bikinis in front... READ MORE