Vladimir Putin Horked a Super Bowl Ring…Maybe

Patriots owner Robert Kraft says Bond villain looking Russian president Vladimir Putin stole his Super Bowl Ring. No, he didn’t shove Kraft’s head in a toilet like a bully in an 80’s movie and snatch the ring off of his finger. Kraft says that at a gala event in St. Petersburg Putin asked Kraft if he could try on his $25,000 Super Bowl XXXIX ring. Kraft then said Putin remarked, “I could kill a man with this ring,” and proceeded to just straight up not give it back. I can totally see where a piece of jewelry’s ability to kill would be a selling point for Putin. That guy punches more people to death before breakfast than most of us talk to in a day. This is a change from the story Kraft used to tell that he gave it to Putin as a gift for all he’s done for the Russian people…whatever that is.

So, why the change in the story? I imagine that if Kraft was still in Russia when he was first asked about the ring that he’d make it sound like he willingly gave it to Putin. It’s like when a weak ass nerd says he voluntarily gave up his lunch money. Putin can choke a horse with a single hand. But if Kraft’s story is true, we need to get that ring back. Not because I give a flying dog fuck about Kraft or the Patriots but because football is our real national sport and we can’t let some Ex-KGB commie dickwad steal a symbol of of our national pride. Would we let him steal the Statue of Liberty or Kate Upton? Hell no. We won the Cold War as I recall. Mr. Putin, give us back our fucking ring before we come over to your place with our tanks and airplanes that actually work and take it from you.