Gwyneth Paltrow Stands Alone

I don’t claim to be the master of much. Not a chess master or a Zen master, I haven’t even come close to mastering English and it’s my only language. But I had thought I was a master when it came to all things fucked up and annoying about Gwneth Paltrow, the world’s most beautiful woman. Not to be confused with Miley Cyrus, the world’s sexiest woman according to what used to be Maxim. But I did not know that Gwyneth and her husband, Gay Beethoven, never appear together in photographs. Probably for no good reason, right? Wrong!

It doesn’t behoove us to be a public couple. He certainly doesn’t want that. We’ve never ever walked down a red carpet together, we never will. — Dear Gwyneth

I can’t believe there was a completely obnoxious, high-maintenance aspect to Gwyneth Paltrow that I did not know about. She’s like an onion.