Bill Gates Wants To Make A Windows 95 Condom

Would you wear a Windows condom? I wouldn’t either. But it’s coming your way. The Bill and Melinda Gates foundation has put out word that they want to create the next generation of jimmy hats. They argue that the overall design and composition of the latex sombrero hasn’t changed since the 60’s. The idea is that if they feel more natural people are more likely to wear them. While I guess they have their hearts in the right place, I wonder if it will work. Firstly, what the fuck does Bill Gates know about making rubbers? He made his billions selling a shitty operating system that he largely ripped off from Apple and the QDos system designed by Seattle Computer products. You don’t want a rip-off condom any more than you want IE8 .

Bill Gates is shocked that only 1 in 7 copulations occurs on this planet with a prophylactic in place. Shocked as the world’s richest dweeb may be, there is no way that even a space-age condom will ever feel like you are rubbing “meat on meat”, (a disgustingly evocative term I heard in South Africa). I know lots of people, men and women, who absolutely refuse to wear them because it just isn’t the same. I wear them because I don’t want any rugrats running around and you should definitely wrap that shit up when having a one night stand with that slutty waitress you met at Applebees (and she certainly feels the same about banging a poor-tipping slob who orders the $9.99 rib special and water).

25 years later and Kool Moe Dee still has the best cautionary rap tale about unprotected sex with women.