JESSICA IS WET AND NAKED

There are few things more annoying than when homo erotic, self important men’s magazines like Esquire recreate some old timey photograph that no one without a time machine or who wasn’t born by candlelight ever saw in the first place.  The NYDN says this is Jessica Simpson recreating a famous Virna Lisi Esquire cover from 1965, meaning either myself or Esquire has no idea what the fuck "famous" means.  I thought it meant something along the lines of "very well known".  They seem to think it means, "something we did once".  Listen to me Esquire, we’ll decide what Esquire covers are famous, not you.  Every dusty knick knack you have lying around the office isn’t famous.  If you have Jessica Simpon naked, you don’t take pictures of her shaving, you queers.  At least not her face.  If I got Jessica Simpson naked, you would have to shock my penis back to life with a defibrillator and those paddles because I would hump her 1900 times a day, but you dorks were so busy thinking about boys you had her pretend to be one.  Just put Jake Gyllenhaal on the cover in some snakeskin boots and pigtails and licking a lollipop.  We both know you want too.