BRITNEY WANTS CHINESE TWINS, FUNERAL

On that show "Heroes", there's this artist guy and he predicts the future by locking himself in a room with his paints and stuff and then he does a bunch of heroin.  Then he wakes up a few days later and sees what he created.  I'm starting to think the London papers get their news stories the same way.  But whatever, is Britney really adopting Chinese twins and planning her own funeral?  Uh … sure why not.  After all, this story does have some quotes that end in exclamation points, indicating excitement, and that's good enough for me.  News of the World (!) says:

The desperate singer has told friends she's in the final stages of talks with an adoption agency and plans to go ahead with the move very soon.Friends feel that Britney has decided to adopt the two six-year-old tots from China in a frantic bid to fill the void left by losing her sons to K-Fed.And in another worrying move for the former Pop Princess, I can reveal she is splashing out £25,000 on her OWN funeral.Apparently, Brit has forked out the cash because she fears her spiraling lifestyle may lead to an early grave.The grim revelation has friends and family worried that Brit is growing increasingly depressed and that her unhealthy lifestyle is taking its toll.A source close to Britney told me: "It doesn't seem that Britney has thought this through completely. Adoption and a funeral? The two don't exactly go hand-in-hand.  Paying for a funeral is a sensible thing to do—but not when you're only 25!"

Britney lost her real kids like two weeks ago, so her memory of them has probably completely faded by now and she needs new kids fast.  Since she's adopting I can only assume the Channel 5 On Your Side Team heard my pleas and removed her genitalia, so why not Chinese twins?  Sounds pretty cool.  I can't be the only one who hears "Chinese twins" and thinks "Future Warriors".

(remember this britney?  yeah, me neither)