PARIS HILTON USES DRUGS?

Paris Hilton famously told Larry King during her first post-jail interview that she never does drugs and in fact has never even tried them.  And yet…

…the newly spiritual heirhead emerged from an SUV in front of Hollywood club Teddy's the other night in what witnesses describe as a cloud of marijuana smoke. "She took a huge puff off of a joint, then opened the door and exhaled the pot smoke basically in my face," one clubgoer told us. At least she wasn't driving.

Paris Hilton getting high is pretty much the worlds least surprising story.  At this pace, a 5 inch newspaper headline – usually reserved for "WORLD AT WAR" or "UFOS ATTACK PENTAGON" – will soon declare that she kissed a boy.  What is surprising is how she keeps getting her tits to look that big.  The entire world knows what her tits look like, and that's not it.  God knows what sent-back-from-the-future technology that bra maker is using, but we should get him to work on cold fusion and wormholes immediately.  That guy is a hero, way better than that son of a bitch Louis Pasteur, who I heard was a total sicko in bed.