KELLY OSBOURNE WILL NOT BE IN PLAYBOY

Hugh Hefner says that Kelly Osbourne will not be gracing the pages of Playboy.  Osboune said recently that she would like to pose naked in the magazine but only if she had some help from photoshop, saying, "I'd go fully nude, but I'd have to have some airbrushing on my tits."  But now Hefner confirms what was already known, namely that not even the artists at Playboy can trick people into thinking Kelly Osbourne was anything other than hee-dious.  Hef says:

"I can't see it happening somehow – we don't airbrush to that extent."

I'm not technically a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure you could sue Hugh Hefner if he put Kelly Osbourne in Playboy.  Or at the very least kick him.  You ever take a swig of milk when you thought it was gonna be orange juice?  That's what it would feel like to open a Playboy expecting to see sexy college girls washing a car and instead see Kelly Osbourne naked with a bucket of chicken.  It's basically like the difference between having a picnic by a stream and getting kicked in the balls by a donkey.