CIGARETTES MUST BE ON SALE

Pictured:  Lindsay Lohan jogging in high heels and a bikini with a cigarette yesterday in Miami,Not pictured: dignity, chastity, penicillin. God only knows what Lindsay is doing here, but in her defense, it's Miami, a forced-penetration powder keg where there's a 50-50 chance she'll be kidnapped and sold into slavery. Although, if she was, it would end up like some John Hughes movie where she's such a pain in the ass, the kidnappers end up paying a ransom to get rid of her. Hijinks would ensue and guys would get hit in the balls a lot. And in the end, we'd all learn a little about ourselves and a lot about love. Rated PG-13.