KEVIN FEDERLINE IS ALREADY GROVELING

The Brit magazine Grazia says that Kevin Federline is begging his bankroll Britney Spears to take him back and has already been reduced to crying and singing love songs on her voice mail.  Grazia says:

"Kevin spent last week begging Britney to take him back. Kevin is stunned and he's been crying. He said he would do anything to get Britney back. He knows he's nothing if he doesn't have her in his life and realizes he has made a major mistake."

Umm, it's not working:

"He sent flowers and chocoloates to Britney, but she asked an assistant to put them somewhere where she wouldn't have to look at them. He's also left voice messages, singing her love poems, but Britney hasn't replied … Britney says one of the perks of their break-up is getting her beautiful house back. His stuff was always messing everything up, littering the house with CDs, ashtrays, nicotine-smelling clothes and men's magazines.  It has all been taken away now, there is no sign he ever lived there."

Holy Christ. What a bitch. I don’t know what little girl convinced him that crying was the way to seduce your ex but he was hilariously misinformed.  The emotional tear-fueled bum rush never ever works on girls.  At best, a girl wants a guy who sheds a single tear during the cop show on Animal Planet.  Tales of the Art of Seduction rarely include incoherent, out-of-breath bawling like an 8 year old with a broken arm.