THE CHUPACABRA NEEDS HELP

Nicole Richie is seeking treatment for what her spokesperson calls “an inability to put on weight.”  Why?  AIDS.  Or maybe not.  What am I, a doctor.  Her rep says:

"Nicole Richie has decided to undergo diagnostic treatment to determine why she's not been putting on any weight.  She is working with a team of doctors and specialists whose focus is nutrition. It is important to Nicole that she achieves this goal in a healthy way as this is not a treatment for an eating disorder."

Of course she’s gonna be skinny, she lives on goat blood and has Mexican farmers chasing her all night.  That has to be exhausting.  But still, who the hell cares.  This chick doesn’t god damn do anything.  Doesn’t that bother all these idiots who write the magazines.  You might as well write about my paper boy.  In fact I'd think rather fuck my paper boy, because sex with Nicole has to be absolutely terrifying.  It should be one of the choices in Saw 4.  Fucking her would be like fucking a fence.  Honest to god, I’d rather put my penis in a bear trap.  At least I could put some lipstick and a wig on the bear trap and make it look like a human girl.  Unlike Nicole.